With the Captains suffering casualties and heavy injuries on their side, all hope seemed to be lost... until Shinji Hirako appeared, along with the rest of the former Shinigami. Though the aid of the Vizards certainly helped to draw the battle in their favor, it seemed Aizen's power alone proved too much for them.
Post by Kuroda Momiji on Jun 14, 2010 22:59:17 GMT -5
Heh heh heh. You don't know how glad I am that you caught the Kido cutting thing in Kattaerekuttoriku. I meant to put Hado, but put Kido there. It's absurd to think that someone could cut a bakudo if it's binding them.
I elaborated on my disks, saying how long the lightning that connects them is, that they travel stacked on on top of the other, and that they inflict cutting damage.
With the Seele Schneider I didn't change for a few reasons. True, Seele makes reishi easier to absorb by cutting it, but the reishi in my swords aura vibrates at the exact same speed, preventing the seele from making it looser and easy to absorb. But for the same reason, my sword can't cut the Seele because the Seele vibrates just as fast as the aura.
I changed the levels on what my sword could cut, and what my shield could block so that I'm not assuming what my level is. Also I added how many times I can use the Disks and the Shield in a single battle. I think thats about it.
Since you have been giving Raven quite the migraine with this app (and that's my job; I take offense when others steal it), I'll be giving a review of this app:
You have some real nice capitalization skills here. I mean sure, dark brown and black aren't proper nouns, thus don't require capitalization, but you put all kinds of EMPHASIS ON IT. WHO CARES if it's grammatically correct on a site that requires literacy?
Sure, you compare your character to ICHIGO. Yeah, that'll totally fly here.
Then you compare yourself to Tousen. Right, that also flies here.
How about this: describe your character so that Kaname could have a mental image. He doesn't know what his skin color is. Now try.
Generic, "Intelligent, likes to train, rarely loses," character. You have maybe one, two quirks that actually might be a flaw, but I assume they'll be portrayed as endearing.
Kyra and Raven have touched upon this, but there are a few more things:
That Menos had better be a weak one for some random dude to just stab it.
Caps Rage much?
Are you implying that he knows the captains already? And that he's spoken to them?
The word you're looking for isn't Tsuka, it's tsuba. If you looked on Wikipedia, which isn't that hard to do, you could have realized this.
Yes, because everyone looks just like the canons here. Even the spirit. Use. Your. Words. DESCRIBE the character; don't just compare it to a canon character.
You don't get to just cut another sword in half. Gary-Stu, basic, "RESPECTS HIS MASTER BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY WORTHY OF SUCH AN AWESOME ZANPAKUTO!"
You don't get a release phrase this long.
You don't put abilities in the APPEARANCE.
... I'm at a loss of words here. You seriously think you'd be able to match a Seele Schneider just because it vibrates at the same speed? Ok, how about this: your ability is too godmode, so lower the speed to HALF or else this entire shikai concept will be denied.
You clearly have no respect for the staff, or else you would have changed it here. The reason COL is doing so well under Kyra and Raven is because they have successfully weeded out those who might godmod and judged their apps more harshly. You want to see what kinds of apps yours is comparable to right now? Look in the denied section, find an app where the writer was semi-literate at a minimum and read all the ego that was put into the application.
Uh, no, you don't get to change your shikai appearance with an ability because it's like trying to bypass the bankai amendment. And don't assume with posts. Assume an actual TIME, and we'll tell you whether or not it's too much. Course, that aspect.... It's out the window.
Aside from that, fifteen meters is ridiculous for something like this.
You don't get dual elements, and kido/lightning is crossing that border.
How about you actually give a percent. I wouldn't imagine that he's gonna blast off seven of these, then turn to another ability and say, "HAHA, but I can use this perfectly still!"
You give no visual.
You give laughable limitations. Lower tiers can still cause harm to higher tiers in some ways, IE, teaming up. You give no consideration to the fact that there are variables.
You think that someone master level strong with advanced kido would cast a level thirty kido spell at the same level as someone mid level strong with beginner kido?
Dual type attack.
You need to give a percentage of reiatsu that the ability takes up.
Range is too big. Given the fact that this is on the third page, and you're still irritating the staff just as much as when you started, I have to say, I'm impressed. Seele Schneider and Kido are the same in this rite: someone of a higher tier will cast them more efficiently, or use them more efficiently, or will make it stronger by adding their own personal touch: their reiatsu.
Lose some of that power-hungry ego and come again when you're ready for more. Personally, I think you're just lucky that we haven't denied this right this instant. Better really think through what you're doing when you say, "FIXED," because this could be your last chance if you haven't made enough edits. I'm gonna say this now: clean up your act. If not, this application will be denied, and you will have to trash all aspects of this character when making a new one.
Character List "Let's eat, Grandma!" "Let's eat Grandma!" Commas save lives.
Post by Kuroda Momiji on Jun 16, 2010 21:37:17 GMT -5
Ok so I have a few questions.
1. I looked at my sealed form and I didn't see any mistakes. When I referred to the Tsuka i was talking about the handle of the sword and when I was talking about the Tsuba that was the guard. If you saw a spot where one should be the other could you please point it out to me? Because I didn't catch any.
2. When I put Kido and Lightning in the same attack, I was simply saying that it was a Lightning Element, Kido-Type attack, so if thats also crossing the border how could I change it to not cross the border?
3. Does "Strike from the Heavens!" work as a release phrase?
4 On Kattaerekutorikku, I wasn't trying to change the appearance, just the way the weapon was used, like how Ikkakus Hyozukimaru changes from spear to three sectioned pole. If thats crossing the line as well then I can just keep the blade extending aspect of the attack.
5 I haven't heard anything about my sample rp, so does that mean that it's ok? Just a little confusion on this.
Finally to answer your questions.
1Yes it was only a Gillian class Menos that he was facing, so he was able to defeat it.
2 I thought about it and decided that no he hasn't met the captains, so I changed it to where his squad members and Lieutenants told him off for dropping the honorifics.
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Jun 17, 2010 16:31:47 GMT -5
Due to this Application spreading to three pages now, a limiter has been placed on this Application. Please read below for more details.
You realize that Shikai is normally learned around the age of 150. While in your history it states 132, which I may allow depending upon the history (haven't gotten there just yet), I hope you remember that just because you learned it earlier wouldn't mean it would be mastered by your current age.
I don't know why everyone does this. It's become a Mary-Sue development, but the whole 'He's ambidextrous to 'confuse' people' thing is no longer going to fly. If I've said no to this before, so I have to be fair and state it now. If there's no generalized reason behind it, it's not going to fly. To confuse your opponent is not a reason to be ambidextrous. There are plenty of other reasons behind this type of ability, and I'm not just going to allow this to be given away because Shunsui did it to Stark.
Speaking of Shunsui, the first parts of his personality seem to mirror just that. The whole contradiction to 'he's lazy and won't follow orders, but does,' just doesn't seem to make sense. These 'conditions' just don't seem to fit at all (or maybe just seem too Mary Sue to understand fully). As such, I can only see this personality as being a rip off of Shunsui. The whole 'intelligent but lazy' aspect, seriously, has been seen by just about every application that I've come across lately, and as stated above, if I've informed someone to fix it properly and add in some personality flaws with this 'obviously flawed' mixture of traits, then I'll ask you to do it as well. What Wicked stated above still stands. "Though he's stubborn and lazy, he's strong and smart." I'm not allowing mixtures like this unless there's proper flaws listed here, and quite frankly, there aren't any. The whole 'not good at Kido' or not liking it is not considered a flaw in my part. This 'smart and strong' idea isn't going to fly without some sort of downside from the other traits listed.
He wouldn't have a Zanpakuto until he enrolled into Shinigami Academy; and even then, it would simply be a standard regular nameless Zanpakuto. Shinigami who don't make it through the Academy are sent to the Maggots Nest since they would be deemed 'too dangerous' to simply be placed back into Rukongai, explained a bit more properly in the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc.
Since the age in which he received his Zanpakuto would be upped to 114 (He wouldn't have a random Zanpakuto lying around), learning Shikai in 18 years is far too fast I believe. Even 20 years would be relatively quick. 30 Years would be my rough estimate.
"His eyes are one of his most stunning features, as they are a bright electric yellow his teeth are nearly as noticeable since they a a clean bright white" Doesn't make sense. This sentence can be cut in half as you continue right on from 'electric yellow' to 'his teeth.' It made me think his teeth were also yellow. And they a a clean bright white doesn't make sense. Please fix this.
It's fine now. Just remember what's written in the Guide about this part.
No growing chain. If it's a normal yellow chain, how would it 'grow'? I'm already not too keen on the whole 'chain' aspect. Chains for Claymores just seem completely out of place. Even Toshiro's chain isn't used in that aspect, it's used as its own form of weaponry. 1 foot to 24 feet is just far too ridiculous for a chain. The average person is only 1/4 that height. As such, using that long of a chain to swing that heavy of a sword... yea, that's not going to work at all. No chain.
Kattaerekutorikku - Two meters is six feet; that's a pretty ridiculously sized Aura for the sword alone, even an aura surrounding the Shinigami; that's practically his own body height, wrapped all around the blade. The aura would be hitting/extending passed him, since his arm alone isn't longer than that. Two meters is too long for this attack, especially in the manner in which its described. The aura is used to basically make the attacks stronger/encase them in the Zanpakuto's energy/element, correct? If so, then no to the length of this ability.
Shinkôn Sutôraikadenkôu - Your Zanpakuto is Lightning Based, not Kido-based. As such, the attack would simply be a 'Ranged, Elemental/Lightning based attack. 50 Meters is FAR too far for only 6% reiatsu. That just seems like a far too little amount of energy for two 1-meter disk-throwing ranged attacks. e could fire off, pretty much, nearly 16 of these bad boys repeatedly, if I'm reading the limitation correctly. The ability, as it stands, is denied unless properly fixed. Wicked already mentioned firing off seven of these without limitation; the one you gave allows him sixteen with no charge time listed. How would you think that this would be okay? Again, the proper Type would be 'Offensive, Ranged, and Lightning or elemental.'
Raikou Dangan - 270 feet is quite the distance. A half a second charge time? That's not all that much for a 'destructive explosion.' Even Ichigo's Getsuga takes time (the more energy he puts into it, the longer it takes for him to fire it).
All Abilities - You don't mention any tier level effects; how the attacks would damage someone of lower, equal, and higher tiers and so forth.
I would much rather prefer a more up-to-date sample post, i.e., one of which that explains his current personality rather than one of his days at the Academy.
Wicked is correct in her assumption of this application overall; this has been given far too many chances for editing and there are still far too many things that need to be corrected; as such, this will be your final chance to make this application acceptable. If it has not met the proper application standards by the following review, then it will be placed in the Denied Sub-forum, and you will need to come up with a new Character Concept for Application.
Post by Kuroda Momiji on Jun 27, 2010 18:23:30 GMT -5
Alright. Thanks to the sample aplication by you, I think I have it all worked out. I changed the shikai to dual wield, because that allows for an extra limit to his power, which is explained later. I think that you'll be pleased with this one. Thanks!
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Jun 27, 2010 21:01:08 GMT -5
Application does not meet the Dual-Wielding standards -_-
I have no idea why you thought Dual Wielding would fly here. It's never suggested for anyone first starting off to try for dual wielding. Quite frankly, I was looking for a more toned down application, not a sudden boost to dual wielding 0.o
First of all, an application for dual wielding requires nearly no errors. You cannot suddenly 'change' your sword to dual wielding halfway through the reviewing process. Quite frankly, that was a rather ... well, the only word I can think of is dumb. It was a very dumb move. Honestly, I really can't see how you would think this would pass. As stated nearly everywhere, Dual Wielding requires nearly spotless applications. Three pages in; did you think this would suddenly become far more easy to approve by adding dual wielding?
It's your first application. I suggest highly toning down your desires to adjust to our standards. Yes, there was a dual-wielding sample application. That does not mean that after reviewing it, you can suddenly change your app to dual wielding; no. You cannot do that. This application would not have even come close to the dual-wielding standards due to it reaching the third page.