With the Captains suffering casualties and heavy injuries on their side, all hope seemed to be lost... until Shinji Hirako appeared, along with the rest of the former Shinigami. Though the aid of the Vizards certainly helped to draw the battle in their favor, it seemed Aizen's power alone proved too much for them.
Post by Rebel Raven on Dec 18, 2009 18:10:40 GMT -5
Hello, I'll be reviewing your application.
Does his "quickness" affect every aspect of him? I.E. Running, punching, etc.
Your Zanpakuto spirit could use a bit more personality, and some information on his relationship with Mahea.
The Unsealed Zanpakuto needs measurements as does the Shikai release state. Also keep in mind that the "loud, terrifying roar" is only a descriptor, and will not be a guarentee towards making people scared.
The Shikai Abilities need to be toned down all around. You don't take into account at all people who might have more physical brawn, higher power tiers (And thus have more reiatsu to dedicate into physical brawn than your character) pretty much assuming anyone hit will be treated the same.
I.E. He wouldn't likely potentially kill Kenpachi, Komamura, or Chad in one hit, or punch them around.
30 punches seems a bit much considering his "speed" (Said speed seems a bit ... contradictory. Fast, gigantic men are almost unheard of, and seems like an attempt to make someone likely to hit with a killing blow.) and you need to define a "good" punch more. What happens if his punches miss, or doesn't connect fully?
What happens if his shikai meets more blood, or liquid while the ability is activated? Does it refuel?
What happens if he has liquid on his gauntlets after the affects are over? Does the ability immediately restart?
Is he weakened completely when the ability ends since it's supposed to eat up his reiatsu?
How often can he use this ability? Can he use it more than once?
The Shout ability needs a range, and to take into account the fact that there will be people stronger, and weaker than your character so the notion that it affects everyone the same is not present.
As for the RP sample, it's entirely inaccurate. It's extremely unlikely anyone in squad 2 would have the ability to loaf about. That's more of a squad 11 thing. <.<
Post by Rebel Raven on Dec 19, 2009 3:47:29 GMT -5
Seriously, how is this guy fast? In what areas? Just in running, or will he be zipping about throwing lightning fast lethal punches that are hard to dodge? Is he breaking the stereotypical mold in being a HUGE guy AND fast? Not only fast, but supposedly faster than most?
Also, I gotta wonder, if he's all around top grade fast, what's to stop you from abusing that speed to throw ultra fast punches that are pretty much instant kill to anyone weaker, and can harm people even a higher tier so easily?
Aside from being a large target, I don't see much weakness in your character, especially towards combat.
Your Zanpakuto spirit needs more work. A picture will not be acceptable on it's own for an appearance.
Kindly put paragraphs in to your Shikai powers.
Only people weaker than him it has a chance to kill, stronger foes can stand the blow but it does hurt and can still break bones.
See, we have a power tier system in place. the fact that your character can so readily harm someone of a higher tier kinda kills the point.
This ability will have to be toned down, or replaced.
The Shout ability also has the problem that you're not meant to readily harm people on a higher power tier. They're supposed to be a challenge. The way you write it, it'll affect everyone the same. Karin, and Yuzu, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Halibel, or even Yammy.
Common sense screams in defiance against this, but honestly, as staff, we've seen a lot of people fail in common sense so we no longer gamble with people having it. It needs to be stated in the application how it affects people of higher, and lower tiers as well as the same tier.
that's why we want people to acknowledge people of a higher power tier in their powers, and weaknesses.
On the same note, people weaker need to be acknowledged so we know you're not going to abuse the power to go mopping up people of lower tiers for some reason. No power will be allowed to be instantly fatal to anyone. That's clearly godmoding.
There's no 100th district. There are 80 north, 80 west, 80 east, and 80 south.
Last Edit: Dec 19, 2009 4:21:47 GMT -5 by Rebel Raven
Post by Rebel Raven on Dec 20, 2009 17:57:10 GMT -5
What I'm telling you is that there are -always- limits of ability, and that you're not going to go using an ability against all people and have it work the same regardless of their tier. That's just stupid to have an ability that affects everyone the same in a world like Bleach where people can resist the darndest things just because they're stronger.
You seem awful keen on retaining the ability to hurt a person regardless of tier which is a bad thing in trying to get an app across as it breaks the order we have here.
Point is I didn't want your character to fight like some DBZ character in that they could Shunpo next to someone of lower, or equal tier, use the lightning fast leathal punches (that you got rid of, thank you.), then have that lead to people getting nasty out of character because you're trying to -KILL- their character, or that you're not hitting their character! Not only that, trying to kill their character in only a few posts like they were nothing!
I can imagine you wouldn't like it if someone tried that with your character?
And the "beauty about bleach" has nothing to do with my job on this board to make sure people don't godmod, power play, etc, since person's happiness on this board doesn't mean anything if they go about making everyone else unhappy.
Now, I'm going to have to ask that you space every new paragraph in this application so they aren't so much a block of text, and adjust, revamp, or remove your shout ability.
And
Something that set him off his he good easily dodge attacks and get in close to do real damage but if someone were as fast or faster it would be a real struggle for him.
"his he good" needs to be adjusted so it makes more sense.
Last Edit: Dec 20, 2009 18:04:30 GMT -5 by Rebel Raven
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Dec 21, 2009 0:40:36 GMT -5
Personality:
most people doesn't talk to him
I believe you mean 'Don't' talk to him, not 'doesn't talk to him. Doesn't would indicate a singular group of people, aside from the first and second person aspect; i.e., He does/doesn't, she does/doesn't, it does/doesn't. I, You, They; they are all 'Don't.' I don't, you don't, they don't; a plural group is don't.
Though he is a very big person his speed is top notch. He is very nimble and can be seen running around.
I don't really see what this has to do with personality. Unless you want to develop a bit more on what it is you're trying to say in reflection to his actual personality; does he like to run? Is that what you're getting at? All you did here was mention that he has good attributes. Not only is he really really strong, but somehow, with all that muscle, he's also very nimble and quick. Speed and power; good start. Let's move on!
Appearance: Oh, the color changing eyes... they change during emotion? Normally, hazel eyes have two different types of colors that express differently under different lighting, but you have Super Saiya-jin eyes! Awesome! So, when he gets mad, do they go from brown to green? Does his hair spike up and does he grow a monkey tail? Ambidextrous; that's another helpful attribute that would normally go overlooked by moderation staff. So, we've got speed, power, ridiculous muscles but speed doesn't lack in the least when it comes to strength, and now he can fight with a sword in either hand with equal strength! Alright, absolutely NO faults thus far, let's move on!!!
Zanpakuto Spirit:
His bankai doesn't move a lot but rather counter things not attack
Okay, I don't know why that's mentioned here; do you mean the Spirit doesn't move a lot? I don't understand this.
Zanpakuto Appearance:
The sword tricks people, a black cloth is wrapped around it like that's its sheath but when its pulled out it looks like the wooden sword. After that he can unsheathe it and its a regular katana
Again, I have no idea what you're saying; so he needs to unsheathe it twice? He just has a cloth around the wooden sheathe, then, right? What's so confusing about that? If I saw a piece of cloth around a wooden Katana, I'd say 'Hey, that's a piece of cloth around a katana,' not 'Oh, that cloth must be the sheathe, meaning that once the cloth is off, then it's unsheathed.' As such, I have no idea what you're trying to say there. Just get rid of the whole 'It does this because of this and confuses people like this' aspects and just describe what it looks like.
Shikai: Okay, so you have MONSTROUS Gauntlets now. While it does say in the rules that the dual wielding loophole could be gauntlets, having ones so ridiculously HUGE is a little iffy. Well, you already have a super strong character with super fast speed and agility who's ambidextrous. I hold no doubt that you'll be able to limit your abilities, some, right? Like no auto-hit techniques, right? Right? Let's move on!
Shikai Abilities: Rippuku Za Yajuu - Because his ridiculous muscle mass wasn't good enough, now you're giving your character super strength? Any type of liquid, eh? How much liquid? Can he wipe the sweat off his brow? Does he have any control in activating this technique? In all honesty, thirty punches is quite a lot for a technique.
Let's think about it from this point of view. Within every fighting post, normally, you are able to get roughly, three actions in that round of posting melee. Now, those three actions are normally this...
1. A reaction (A reply to the previous action made by the player before you) 2. Preparation, or Assault (This could be a preparation for an attack; a set up of some sort, i.e., reciting an incantation, or movement of your character. The assualt would be the initiation of that attack) 3. Follow-up, or Quick-Counter (While not always recommended since it can be seen as Godmodding by attempting to make a quick follow up attack in judging where your opponent would dodge the attack you have just thrown, and moving to follow up, this would be the final action of the post).
Now... in all that, you can maybe produce three or so punches.
As such... so what, this technique lasts ten posts?! That's ABSURD! Far too long. Your character already has super strength, now you want to give him MORE strength? It seems to me that you just want to fight people above your tier level, and for that, I highly doubt you'll GET a high tier level.
It has a slight possibility it can be lethal if someone is punched directly
So... who determines this? I don't like these 'This has the potential to kill anyone' sort of attacks, it makes it too easy to abuse.
You're going to have to tone this down HEAVILY, or express it in more detail; I suggest rewriting it completely, not editing it.
Raion Otakebi - OK, so this is pretty much an Auto-hit technique. It forces someone, no matter their tier level, to cover their ears in order to not become deaf. Even if their spiritual pressure would easily shred this 'sonic blast' away, apparently that won't work, if they're let's say, almighty-level? Aizen would go deaf? Is that what I'm seeing here?
What this looks like to me is a set up for a thirty-hit combo. An auto-hit stun technique, followed by a maximum of thirty-punches. Absolutely not. As stated, your character has a ridiculous set of attributes with absolutely NO FAULTS given to him. This is pretty much a Godmod character, or rather, Mary Sue; he's perfect in every way. He seems to hold no attribute faults. He's ambidextrous, he's fast, he's strong, nimble; what is he not? He likes to play with his opponent; can THAT be considered a fault? Perhaps, but I HIGHLY doubt you'll play him as such.
You seem to not really express his actual 'SPEED' or his 'STRENGTH' as Raven has asked you twice already to do. You give him huge muscles, say he's really fast, then give him an ability that makes him stronger.
That says to me that you just want a power house and to pwn people until you achieve Bankai. I will not accept an application like this, not the way it is currently written. The sample post itself does not reflect the character all that much; it's just a bunch of actions listed; he did this, then this, then this happened, and that's about it, the end. All in all, the sample post will reflect the power tier, not the abilities you have.
Overall: This application, as it stands, in my opinion, is unacceptable. I suggest trying again from scratch. This character can easily be seen plowing his way through the ranks, god-modding through every Arrancar applicant, and attempting to take on anyone at any time with his 'lethal' technique, his ridiculously long lasting super strength that's on top of his normal super strength, his ridiculous speed. You give him no faults, none... NONE AT ALL!
Last Edit: Dec 21, 2009 0:55:07 GMT -5 by Shinigami Kyra
Okay I fixed the grammar stuff that you told me, the zanpakuto spirit, the zanpakuto appearance. Also added to his history that he isn't as nimble anymore. There was two paragraphs added. I made my shikai ability from 30 to 10. Changed what activated it. The sound one doesn't say anyone of higher tier can get deaf. It says it can stop them or do nothing at all. Plus it is easy to dodge. Jump back or move out of the roar zone. Done.
The rp sample how you will be portraying your character: "Mahea sat in his room waiting for a mission" He relaxes until he is needed.
How he or she will act in certain situations: "Mahea ran out of the Main door then began running towards the 50th district to the West. Since the districts were so big it would be easy for him to catch up with all the leads he could get. Toshiie trailed far behind him not being nearly as fast as Mahea." He left his friend behind to do his duty and get there so nothing else could happen.
how he or she feels toward certain characters: "While he walked towards the door the foul stench of sake and sweat filled the air. Mahea sighed and smirked. "Toshiie is that you?"
Toshiie cleared his throat and began laughing. "How do you always know its me?"
Mahea laughed and opened the door." He is interacting with his friend.
The environment one: He's running that's all he's doing.
I'm pretty sure that hit all the thing asked for in the sample post guide so I don't see anything wrong with it so if you can be more detailed that would be nice.
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Dec 21, 2009 1:40:40 GMT -5
That is the bare minimum; you were asking for far beyond the 'bare minimum' in accordance to powers and abilities. As such, we expect a hell of a sample post in order to express one's skills in handling such a character. When reviewing your sample post, there wasn't anything but the bare minimum. It did not reflect what you were applying for, which was the reason behind my comment.
I shall get to the actual review portion a little later, after I'm done playing Rock Band.
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Dec 21, 2009 1:48:05 GMT -5
That's not what I meant. My statement did not state 'Let me see your abilities,' it meant that what you were asking for was not in the level of effort you placed into your sample post. Yes, you put in everything that was suggested in the 'Sample Post' section of the Guide, but you also neglected many aspects of the Guide in other portions of the application; THAT is what I was referring to.
If he punches a sword that sword will either fly from the persons hand or they person will go flying backwards with the sword in hand. People of lower tier can be damaged a lot more than a person of higher tier. If a person of a lower tier is punched it can cause them to fly back along with hurting them where they were punched. A person of a higher tier will feel the punch just not as bad as a person of a lower tier. They have a chance of flying back also but it is unlikely.
Still seems like you wanna muscle around people of a higher tier to me.
As for the sonic attack... no one in bleach, canon or otherwise can move faster than sound.
Unless they move as the attack is being primed, they won't dodge it sensibly, and I can imagine you'd complain if they did. Plus your character needs not be stationary using the shout ability. Any attempt to dodge can be countered with your advanced Shunpo.
I'm not here to hold your hand through the powers process.
I have told you what was wrong with your powers with practically every review. In fact we both have.
Onwards,
Ichigo, you cannot use as an example. He's the main character. Your character is not the main character. Ichigo is a broken character that does a lot of things no one else does. All references to him are void.
NOW, you point out Uryu Ishida vs Mayuri. You notice Ishida nearly died? And Mayuri isn't a really powerful captain to begin with.
Lets look at later battles. Ishida Vs Sayzel? He never would have won alone. In fact he didn't win. Not even close. Ishida Vs Ulquiorra? No contest. Ishida vs Senbonzakura? Even with his tricks he still didn't win against a powerful captain's bankai.
Yeah, he could hurt them, but he sure had no shot at beating them, realistically, but you seem to wanna ignore that.
Plus Ishida is a main character. Your character is not a main character.
NOW, you're here wanting me to believe someone who is strong enough to fight above his tier will be weak enough so that someone below his tier has as much chance of beating him as he does someone above his tier?
That's absurd.
Even people at the same tier your character would be at are hard pressed to fight above their own tier, so you'd technically be more powerful than them by having such a high chance against someone above tier.
That's how it's hypocritical.
Last Edit: Jan 3, 2010 4:02:59 GMT -5 by Rebel Raven