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Post by palumatzu on Jan 30, 2010 1:46:54 GMT -5
Okay, i changed the wording, and i made the area of effect more of a limit.
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Otahu
Site Beginner
Hat-Chan[M:0]
Candy Store Is Now Open
Posts: 296
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Post by Otahu on Jan 30, 2010 11:08:58 GMT -5
Now onto the rest of the application.
1. Zanpakuto Spirits may not have their own abilities. Remove the ability to look through the moon. Also, Zanpakuto cannot fight for you. If you drop unconscious, you are unconsciou.
2. Shikai needs to have more than 'real heavy'. Add a specific weight.
3. Shinigami do not remember their lives, remove this from your background. Instead perhaps more than a few bare lines about his time in the Academy. Also, as a side note...one cannot immediately graduate from Kido Course. You graduate all at the same time. Or not at all.
4. You absolutely may not use a canon character in your RP Sample. This needs to be completely redone.
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Post by palumatzu on Jan 30, 2010 11:48:37 GMT -5
got rid of some of the wording, but your not too specific on the academy part.
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Post by palumatzu on Jan 30, 2010 12:12:27 GMT -5
and added rp
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Post by Shinigami Kyra on Jan 30, 2010 15:00:11 GMT -5
Personality: So he's like Vegeta then?
Appearance: *licks thumb and rubs off eyebrows*
I don't understand this at all. His eyes are white during the day, but at night, they look like the moon? And also, how would it be for combat? How can eye color determine anything in combat?
Irrelevant to appearance. For new applicants, Master Shunpo or Master Kido is not allowed, fyi.
This seems to contradict his personality. He is obviously obsessed with fighting, but he gets his nails done? For combat? I don't really understand any sense of logic behind this.
You don't really have all that much 'description' introduced here, just a bunch of vague, guesstimated sentences rolled together to produce a questionable looking character. You need more actual detail, rather than sneaking in things relevant to abilities. There is already a spot for abilities, please refrain from placing them in description.
Zanpakuto Spirit: You describe no personality of the Zanpakuto spirit, or the relationship between the sword and its master. Does he have a deep voice when he appears as the moon? Is he the actual size, way up in the sky? Does his voice even reach him? Normally, we request a single form for Zanpakuto Spirit. While the new filler arc introduced a new form for most of the Zanpakuto Spirit (we are currently uncertain, though it is suggested through Toshiro and Renji's spirits holding a drastic change, as well as others not recognizing their Zanpakuto spirit). Still, that is filler, and i.e., not considered Canon/Manga/True to Story, so as such, please stick to a single form. If he is the moon, then he is the moon.
So are there four moons? If his spirit appears as Moon, does that mean that mean there's an extra moon? This is far too confusing. Not only that, but you say there's three, and that he needs to have visited those places. Does that mean he's been to Earth and Hueco Mundo? I highly doubt the latter. Again, not really much description in the realm, aside from its a meadow, it has moons, and that's about it.
Sealed Zanpakuto: Again, more description; you have two lines here and that certainly does not meet the requirement length, nor do you have any real expression on the color of the fabric, or anything like that.
Shikai Description: For someone who's apparently ridiculously thin, carrying around a 200 pound shield and hurling it around (which is what I'm assuming the abilities will be when I get down to it *cough*CaptainAmerica*cough*). So, the entire front part of the shield appears as the moon? What type of moon, a full moon? Silver moon? White moon? Craters in the detailing? Does it curve greatly, or is it a flat shield? Still not enough description used.
Shikai Abilities: En Gatsu - Ok... you're right, your description of the attack is very difficult to understand. It would have been simple if you had followed the proper format that is given to you in the Applications Guide for Shinigami. You need a description of the ability, the effects of the ability, and finally, the limitation of the ability. You only have a description. Not only that, but you also go against the Guide's suggestion by stating it looks similar to a Canon character's attack. Quite frankly, that can be considered as a copy-cat technique, where you're simply copying Ichigo's Getsuga Tenshou attack. I suggest, as I stated before, reading over the Guide, which you obviously either have not done, simply skimmed through without caring, or simply do not understand at all the process in which is used as a base for all general applications. Overall, this ability is currently denied due to having no limitation or effects listed.
Meigetsu - Denied. This is fast speed regeneration, and almost as fast as a Vizard's healing technique. You need to have a specific theme for your character; you cannot have a powerful attack, and a powerful healing ability; that would make you Godmod. Without any sort of limitation, you have a long range attack that you can shoot endlessly, and a healing ability where you can heal nearly every single wound known to man with 'a lot' of reiatsu, with no real limitation.
Mikaduki - Denied for the same reasons listed above, I'm not going to repeat myself three times. Please refer to the Powers Section as well in reference to the reasons, which is in the Guide, which you obviously did not read.
History: No one masters Kido in that amount of time. Captains of high ranks can't even master Kido. Byakuya took years upon years to study Kido and become a master of it, and as stated above, no sudden mastery of Kido. Give your character room to improve. Concept of Mastered Bakudo Kido denied. This makes no sense, I have no idea what you're saying in relation to what actually happened. Again, High Level Kido spells denied. Please refer to the Kido Section for more details on this, which is apart of the Guide, which you obviously have not read. Shikai discovery needs more details. With the utter lack of description, and sudden 'Squad can't handle the Hollow, but my Mary Sue Shinigami can!' information provided, this history is denied.
RP Sample: Oh yay, a fighting sample. Obviously, you didn't read much of the RP Sample Section of the Guide, otherwise, you would have realized what a Sample Post should inquire. I'm not even going to go into the aspect behind the fact that it has more dialogue than actual role playing or action (not fighting action, actual description of movement and non-dialogue parts).
Thus far, this application is Denied. You have had several chances to revise various portions of this application, and while most of what I mentioned may not have been mentioned by other mods, most of what I did point out is stated within the site's Guide. Should you have put the effort into reading the Guide, then you would not be in the situation you are in right now. As such, this application is Unacceptable. This application will be locked, and archived. Do not use any aspect of this character for another application, as it will be seen as nothing more than a re-app of a currently unacceptable application, which is against the rules and simply an attempted loophole to revive an Unacceptable character.
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