With the Captains suffering casualties and heavy injuries on their side, all hope seemed to be lost... until Shinji Hirako appeared, along with the rest of the former Shinigami. Though the aid of the Vizards certainly helped to draw the battle in their favor, it seemed Aizen's power alone proved too much for them.
Post by Kuroda Momiji on Sept 6, 2010 19:34:44 GMT -5
Alright, I made some pretty big changes, mostly to his personality, but I also tried to describe the motion for shiroi hinotama better, and now instead of two slashes its one slash to launch one fireball. I made his personality match the rp sample. I think that I've fulfilled what you requested, sorry for the delay also.
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Sept 7, 2010 0:47:54 GMT -5
Vizards do not get to choose the color of their Cero, nor any 'special conditions' aside from the way it's summoned. Color should be one color, normally red. Arrancar are the only ones that can have special conditions, i.e., changing it's color and so forth.
Post by Shinigami Kyra on Sept 29, 2010 14:14:03 GMT -5
Moved back due to me being forgetful and not completing my previous review as promised >.<!!
Appearance: Seems a bit fine now; the randomly shifting eye color is still a bit Gary Stu though... I would suggest sticking to one color. Everyone wants color-changing eyes -_-
Personality: You have a bit of contradiction here, if I'm understanding it correctly. You say he'll help a comrade in battle, despite any argument on their end, yet you say in the very next sentence that, if your character disagrees with someone, he won't life a finger to help him. Please clarify the first two sentences in a better sense. You still have the slightly lazy, yet pushes to go the extra mile in battle, "also tries to push himself to exceed expectations." This completely contradicts the previous sentence of "he doesn't go out of his way to go the extra mile." In all seriousness, I really don't understand why everyone wants the "toys with their enemy" in their personality. I mean, someone who toys with their opponent is certainly a classification of a narcissist (depending upon the full development of the phrase, which no one ever gets into). Your character doesn't seem like one, so either remove it, or give more development behind the statement; why does he toy with him? Does he act like a child and 'plays' with them while he fights, or is he sadistic in a way where he literally toys with their emotions and feeds off their reactions to his mind games?
Overall with personality; the 'battle sense' of personality should be at the bottom. The 'actual' FULL personality should be started at the top. Explain how he interacts with people in general, of various races, so on and so forth; how he feels, personally, about whatever. Then, I suppose, you can get to how he acts in battle. Everyone always makes the mistake of starting right out on how they act in fights, and that's the worst mistake you can get, because you're simply shaping your character around how you want them to fight rather than how you want to develop them in story.
History: If he was in the 'best-kept' District, then why was he scrounging for food? Wouldn't he be better off, like the rest of the district? Not every district in Rukongai is like the one that Rukia and Renji were from (or most of the other Shinigami that have had flashbacks and visions of poor childhoods where they had to fight and steal to survive).
As stated by Wicked, you still have a sense that Squad Eight is filled with lazy people who put their work on Squad Four. If you're going to go this route, then I suggest you make mention that the people who suggested it to you were not the best influences upon your character. Otherwise, it simply seems as though you're saying everyone in Squad Eight does this.
In mentioning of the 'seated position,' while we don't condone Shinigami for calling out their own seats, Vizards who have gone rogue are allowed to make slight mention of their advancements. However, due to his young age and from what I've read thus far, I suggest mentioning that it was a lower ranked position (not lower number) upon the seats. Please keep in mind his personality when writing the history as well. There are a few instances here and there that don't seem to quite match well with your personality.
It seems I must come up with a way for people to obtain Gigai's outside of 'magically obtaining them,' or going through Urahara. Because it seems every application I look at for Vizards or rogue Arrancar state 'After he/she/it obtained a Gigai...' without even going into any detail about it.
I'm not too keen on the whole 'erasing memory' thing every thirteen years. I feel it would be FAR better to state that he continued to 'move' in order to keep himself enrolled in different schools. Then again, you also have to imagine the ridiculous amount of paperwork he'd need to forge with each transfer. Not only that, but erasing people's memories doesn't erase the paperwork of him already attending there... then running into the trouble of people not recognizing him, but having his name on the graduation list of various years repeatedly. I understand that Bleach is a fantasy-based Anime and so forth, but there is some sense of logic behind it.
Wait; an ambush? There was an ambush planned? Was the hollow attack turned Arrancar fight supposedly someone ambushing your character? The sentence about this doesn't make much sense, or rather, I don't seem to understand where you made mention of him being ambushed in Soul Society.
The current relationship between Vizard and Soul Society are still a bit rocky. Normal Vizards (OCs) probably are still considered 'unwelcome' by most (I should probably make a thread about this somewhere), so they wouldn't be heading there randomly to 'pop in' and give reports. He can report to the unofficial fourteenth squad, though this would probably be done in story rather than in your history. While there are still some Vizard among the ranking; those that simply 'changed' and didn't go immediately rogue/run away to Karakura, they are certainly under careful watch by higher ups and regulated accordingly.
I will actually be making a thread on Vizard and Soul Society relations in the near future.
Shikai Appearance, Spirit, and Inner Hollow: Spirit personality seems a bit contradicting; optimists wouldn't settle things with swords, they would prefer to talk them out. The last thing they would do is look upon their blade to settle anything. You mention very little of the sarcasm or the way she treats her master in her actual 'optimistic personality,' and as such, the two contradict each other. Etc stands for etcetera, which is used when one is giving a list normally, or as a form of 'so on and so forth.' I think you mean to use the word 'example' rather than this.
Under mask appearance and summoning, please indicate the limit of time he can wear the mask. You have stated it in history, so please make reference here as well.
I'm not sure if I've already mentioned this, but for Hollow Abilities, Cero del Fuego, after much consideration and speaking with the other staff, we have concluded that Vizards only get the standard Cero from now on. It simply does not seem fair that Vizards would get their own version of a Cero along with Arrancar. Arrancar can have a variation, Vizards can only have a limited, simplified, general red Cero.
Overall, adjust the visits to Soul Society to 'report in.' The unofficial 14th Squad does that for all rogue Vizards. Soul Society can't suddenly take in 'all' questionable Vizards and suddenly trust them due to their aid in the Winter War. Some can still be considered extremely hostile. As such, their interaction with Soul Society would be minimal at best to Shinji's group and Ichigo's group.
Post by Kuroda Momiji on Oct 5, 2010 23:27:56 GMT -5
Quick question, now that I've changed his current activity from returning to the soul society to simply upping his hollow exorcising, do you want me to change my rp sample? Or is that one fine for the purpose of showing how I'll play him?