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Post by Shinigami Kyra on Apr 11, 2010 19:01:14 GMT -5
Extend history and sample post please.
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Post by uploaf on Apr 12, 2010 14:31:00 GMT -5
Ok i've made the modifications also i wasn't happy with some of my abilities so i modified them slightly as well
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Post by Wicked on Apr 20, 2010 18:56:21 GMT -5
Sam has asked me for my expertise. Here it is!
Alright, alright! Lessee...
Appearance:
Weight ~ 98 lb then? And he's six five. Dude. That makes him one of the people in the concentration camps during WWII!
HOLY RUN ON!
AND THAT'S MOST OF THE PARAGRAPH! RAWR! CAPS RAAAAAGE! And inside of this run on... I learn... that he has blue hair in no particular style. YAY FOR VAGUE!
Wait... no. Not yay.
Personality:
Yes. He likes humans for producing music which is a melody of soothing and relaxing... allowing him to drift off into a dream.
You have FOUR sentences here. Total. The guide calls for about twice this--that would be a bare minimum.
History:
So he was a human for a long time! A very long time. Two hundred of those two hundred fifty years were spent being a human! Oh, wait...
And Aizen approached him directly?
He must be ULTRA AWESOME!
And he retained all of his memories! Awww, how sweet. It has nothing to do with the Bleachiverse, where most spiritual beings, if not all, do not remember their past lives, but sweet!
Powers:
Kaminari Panchi - OOOOOOH! HOW AWESOME! Not! Nah, dude, I love it! I mean, seriously, you could just walk right up to Byakun--I mean Byakushi--I mean Byakuya, and put your hand on his head and... ZAP!
Fatal powers are not allowed, and paralyzation is something that's hard to trust with most people.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...
You give us no info on how big your special cero is, for one, and secondly, we don't allow elemental cero. Want an actual review?
You have a cero that moves faster than a regular cero.
You have a cero that is stronger than an ordinary cero.
Moving on to Resurreccion!
So... I have very little idea of what he looks like. What does the bone look like? Chicken bones? Turkey bones? Fish bones?
What size are the claws? How long is his tail? Can he use his tail to trip enemies? Does he have control over it? Can he use it to swat stuff away?
Kaminari no Shôheki - OVER NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE THOUSAND! Owait! I mean overpowered. People above tier? How much above tier? You put little consideration for people lower tiers than you.
Kaminari Yari - Wonderful! He can take anyone his tier down! This deserves a... Nothing. This deserves to go to no one. Stuns people of higher tiers? No. Y'see, this means that for all you care, you could just waltz right up and stab them with your ??? meter claws!
Kaminari Wa , Surasshu - NOW I GET IT! Your theme is taking everyone out with all of your abilities which can only be used once! Chop off a limb, eh? No.
Overall:
Poor grammar throughout, multiple run-ons. I didn't even read your RP sample as it is a massive block of text, likely filled with run-ons. You have extremely overpowered and or godmode abilities, ones that completely incapacitate opponents, and so on and so forth. Also, I reccomend spell checking this app.
That's mah story and I'm stickin to it!
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