Post by Shinigami Kyra on Oct 25, 2009 18:53:07 GMT -5
Congrats! Your application has been passed over to me!
Actually, I'm going through all the apps currently and helping to overall catch up on the ones that need to be tended to. As such, here we go!
Personality: Seem good and standard. A bit heavy on one aspect; I'd like you to just expand a little bit. You only briefly explain beyond his original shell, but I'd like to see this character in a bit more light. What are his likes, dislikes, what pisses him off, what makes him happy, open up, or rather, how is it possible to befriend him overall? And, what is this 'ultimate goal' you speak of? Perhaps it's listed elsewhere, but it should certainly be placed here as well. Just how obsessed is he with this goal? Would he put his goal before his friends? So on and so forth.
Appearance: Less list, more writing! You can use the list as a reference, but please write out a full description rather than a list.
Hollow Mask: A bit more description, or perhaps, just expand a bit on what you've got. Just a few more sentences; how large/long/thick are the feathers? What angle do they sit at? Exactly what 'type' of bird are we look'n at here? An Eagle, a humming bird? How large is the beak? Birds have all types of beaks, ya know!
Elements: This is less of a section, and more of an 'overall' sense. It seems your Zanpakuto and Inner Hollow hold two different elements; Lightning and Fire. I would like to point out the Powers FAQ/Guide first of all, while explaining that two separate elements are certainly rare. I shall go on a bit more below.
Inner Hollow Abilities: Lightning Cero - While some people may have their own 'version' of a Cero; i.e., slightly altered design, thinner or thicker with more or less energy consumed, adding an element to the attack... as well as already having a Cero? For now, I'm going to have to say no to that aspect. As stated, you already have Fire for your Zanpakuto abilities. Lightning Cero is just too much.
Pretty much overall, I'd get rid of the whole Lightning Element. You have a Cero, then state that you can add 'fire' to the Cero, then say that you gain a Lightning Tattoo with your inner hollow? That's just way too much. Inner Hollow techniques should only be three to four, MAX. Standard abilities, if stated, automatically gives up one. Original, standardized Cero? That's two. Stating that you have a Fire Cero, that's three. Then, you have four more, so technically, that's seven in total. Tone down the Inner Hollow techniques and get rid of the Lightning Element. Normally, I would say 'either or' but your overall theme seems to be pretty much fire-based, with the Phoenix and all. I would suggest sticking to the standard Inner Hollow powers, instead of creating more original powers. Original abilities are moreso linked to Shikai and Bankai; Inner Hollows are normally standard, with a slight variation of Cero (MAYBE, never always), and maybe one technique or ability that makes them different.
Inner Hollow: Berserker; i.e., the ability to ignore wounds while focusing entirely upon offense while giving up defense completely, is considered an ability. I would remove it from the description. Stating that he has a lust for battle (which seems to be far too common among inner hollows) is fine. Stating that he can ignore his injuries completely is considered a technique, and considered with everything listed just above this, it would be safe to remove it.
Zanpakuto Spirit: A bit more on his personality; all you say about him is that he comments about food. Is that it? How does he feel toward his master? How does he feel about his master's 'Goals'? So on and so forth.
Unreleased Zanpakuto Appearance: I guess what you have is fine, but making it a bit more than just a single sentence would be preferable. Just lengthen what you have already, I suppose.
Shikai Appearance: Curious as to the Phoenix Feather; does it just grow straight out? What color is it? I'm assuming red. Just a brief sentence or two more about this.
Shikai Abilities: These... seem fine. Good job on the limiters.
Bankai: Wielding two separate blades at two separate times is a certain no to the request. In actuality, from my perspective, altering your ability as you did simply appears that you are trying to create your own loophole in keeping a fraction of the 'dual wielding' aspect. You may not have intended to do this, but this is just how I see it. In short, it's common to remember this; "If it's not canon, it probably won't fly."
Switching between two weapons is still considered Dual Wielding, as you have two weapons. Essentially, this is even 'worse' than Dual Wielding, as you have two different 'Types' of weapons. Dual Wielding, you normally have two identical weapons; here, you have two totally different ones. Change it.
I shall stop here for now, as your Bankai Abilities will more likely than not need to be edited while you change your Bankai. I shall review your History and Sample post in the next round. Please post a reply when you have made the proper editing needed.
Actually, I'm going through all the apps currently and helping to overall catch up on the ones that need to be tended to. As such, here we go!
Personality: Seem good and standard. A bit heavy on one aspect; I'd like you to just expand a little bit. You only briefly explain beyond his original shell, but I'd like to see this character in a bit more light. What are his likes, dislikes, what pisses him off, what makes him happy, open up, or rather, how is it possible to befriend him overall? And, what is this 'ultimate goal' you speak of? Perhaps it's listed elsewhere, but it should certainly be placed here as well. Just how obsessed is he with this goal? Would he put his goal before his friends? So on and so forth.
Appearance: Less list, more writing! You can use the list as a reference, but please write out a full description rather than a list.
Hollow Mask: A bit more description, or perhaps, just expand a bit on what you've got. Just a few more sentences; how large/long/thick are the feathers? What angle do they sit at? Exactly what 'type' of bird are we look'n at here? An Eagle, a humming bird? How large is the beak? Birds have all types of beaks, ya know!
Elements: This is less of a section, and more of an 'overall' sense. It seems your Zanpakuto and Inner Hollow hold two different elements; Lightning and Fire. I would like to point out the Powers FAQ/Guide first of all, while explaining that two separate elements are certainly rare. I shall go on a bit more below.
Inner Hollow Abilities: Lightning Cero - While some people may have their own 'version' of a Cero; i.e., slightly altered design, thinner or thicker with more or less energy consumed, adding an element to the attack... as well as already having a Cero? For now, I'm going to have to say no to that aspect. As stated, you already have Fire for your Zanpakuto abilities. Lightning Cero is just too much.
Pretty much overall, I'd get rid of the whole Lightning Element. You have a Cero, then state that you can add 'fire' to the Cero, then say that you gain a Lightning Tattoo with your inner hollow? That's just way too much. Inner Hollow techniques should only be three to four, MAX. Standard abilities, if stated, automatically gives up one. Original, standardized Cero? That's two. Stating that you have a Fire Cero, that's three. Then, you have four more, so technically, that's seven in total. Tone down the Inner Hollow techniques and get rid of the Lightning Element. Normally, I would say 'either or' but your overall theme seems to be pretty much fire-based, with the Phoenix and all. I would suggest sticking to the standard Inner Hollow powers, instead of creating more original powers. Original abilities are moreso linked to Shikai and Bankai; Inner Hollows are normally standard, with a slight variation of Cero (MAYBE, never always), and maybe one technique or ability that makes them different.
Inner Hollow: Berserker; i.e., the ability to ignore wounds while focusing entirely upon offense while giving up defense completely, is considered an ability. I would remove it from the description. Stating that he has a lust for battle (which seems to be far too common among inner hollows) is fine. Stating that he can ignore his injuries completely is considered a technique, and considered with everything listed just above this, it would be safe to remove it.
Zanpakuto Spirit: A bit more on his personality; all you say about him is that he comments about food. Is that it? How does he feel toward his master? How does he feel about his master's 'Goals'? So on and so forth.
Unreleased Zanpakuto Appearance: I guess what you have is fine, but making it a bit more than just a single sentence would be preferable. Just lengthen what you have already, I suppose.
Shikai Appearance: Curious as to the Phoenix Feather; does it just grow straight out? What color is it? I'm assuming red. Just a brief sentence or two more about this.
Shikai Abilities: These... seem fine. Good job on the limiters.
Bankai: Wielding two separate blades at two separate times is a certain no to the request. In actuality, from my perspective, altering your ability as you did simply appears that you are trying to create your own loophole in keeping a fraction of the 'dual wielding' aspect. You may not have intended to do this, but this is just how I see it. In short, it's common to remember this; "If it's not canon, it probably won't fly."
Switching between two weapons is still considered Dual Wielding, as you have two weapons. Essentially, this is even 'worse' than Dual Wielding, as you have two different 'Types' of weapons. Dual Wielding, you normally have two identical weapons; here, you have two totally different ones. Change it.
I shall stop here for now, as your Bankai Abilities will more likely than not need to be edited while you change your Bankai. I shall review your History and Sample post in the next round. Please post a reply when you have made the proper editing needed.
